I want to loose track of time in a discussion that that does not even seem real. I want to be distracted and accidentally put the fork in the spoon section because I was thinking about how we connected. I want to hear your story and be amazed how similar it is to mine, and yet it is completely different. I want the complicated mess because a fantasy has no fantasy. This society offers so much skin and shallowness and I think that is why I love the mystery and story so much. I want deeper, more moving, more connection , more things I can write about for paragraphs instead of sentences. I want to fall in love, not in lust.
Often I try not to think about it because I don't want to believe in something that may never happen. I don't want to hope against hope and end up having no hope. I want to rip my heart out and yell at it to remain quiet so I can go to sleep without a thousand thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I pick up a book or watch a movie and live vicariously in hopes that a small part of my heart can get that feeling through a character I identity with. Sadly, more often then not, this simply amplifies the yearning for it to be real.
I have to remind myself that a relationship is not the end all answer, despite what advertising and society has to say about the fact. A relationship does not define who I am, it does not make who I am. A relationship may fill me but it is not the end all of fulfillment. There are bigger things out there and I have to be myself . . . now if there were only a mute button for my heart. I don't expect to get a lot of sleep tonight because I can't stop feeling what I am feeling and today I yearn for that something deeper.
~Joel
