I want to loose track of time in a discussion that that does not even seem real. I want to be distracted and accidentally put the fork in the spoon section because I was thinking about how we connected. I want to hear your story and be amazed how similar it is to mine, and yet it is completely different. I want the complicated mess because a fantasy has no fantasy. This society offers so much skin and shallowness and I think that is why I love the mystery and story so much. I want deeper, more moving, more connection , more things I can write about for paragraphs instead of sentences. I want to fall in love, not in lust.
Often I try not to think about it because I don't want to believe in something that may never happen. I don't want to hope against hope and end up having no hope. I want to rip my heart out and yell at it to remain quiet so I can go to sleep without a thousand thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I pick up a book or watch a movie and live vicariously in hopes that a small part of my heart can get that feeling through a character I identity with. Sadly, more often then not, this simply amplifies the yearning for it to be real.
I have to remind myself that a relationship is not the end all answer, despite what advertising and society has to say about the fact. A relationship does not define who I am, it does not make who I am. A relationship may fill me but it is not the end all of fulfillment. There are bigger things out there and I have to be myself . . . now if there were only a mute button for my heart. I don't expect to get a lot of sleep tonight because I can't stop feeling what I am feeling and today I yearn for that something deeper.
~Joel
Hey Joel, thanks for the posting. I appreciate the piercing perspective that sees through all the shallowness of what the world thinks love, meaning, and happiness comes from. You're right: The God-given desire for romance and relationship won't be satisfied by skintight leather and strip-club-style dancing during a football show. Not long-term. Those are fleeting. But a TRUE love story – one that involves mystery, romance, risk, and destiny – is what our hearts were created for. While it is true that the ultimate love story is between the Lamb and his Bride, God made it for us here and now, too. And a good love story between a man and a woman is so involved, so complicated, so risky, and so impossible to successfully pull off, it is something only God can create! And he does. By God's grace, I am living in the one he designed for me and Rhiannon, and it is glorious. But it's nothing I could have ever forced, or even thought up myself. It only came through trust in an all-powerful, all-loving Creator Father.
ReplyDeleteJust some thoughts to go along with your post. Thanks again,
Chris
Amen to Chris' comment! I don't have "permanant ringage" yet, but God apparently threw me into a relationship novel, so here I go!
ReplyDeleteI don't want to seem trite, but it is true: Don't give up! My Boaz was in your same position - wanting something meaningful - and God gave him this thought: Someone is waiting for what you have to offer. Someone out there wants your quirky self, amazing writing skills, work ethic, etc. In the meantime, God will come and meet you in your needs and He gives you grace to perservere and trust Him! It's so easy for me to say, "I have a Boaz now, I'm set." Well, that's not true. I ask myself every day, "Do I still seek God like I did before Boaz showed up?" That answer needs to still be yes, and those times alone are training ground for seeking God through no matter what. You're a really awesome dude, dude! :) :)
In case you're interested, Joel, Tom Short posted this link today: http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries/entry/13/21434#.URa2CBLVTqY.facebook
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