Romance

Last Sunday was the super bowl and each year it seems as if the ads get racier and racier. Long legged, vivid red lipped vixens flaunt and sway. Skin tight leather girls dance around the half time show suggestively enticing millions of people sitting at home. Yet, I am not really moved to register my domain with 'Go Daddy' and honestly I can't remember much because nothing moved me. I don't want your strip club grime that leaves me feeling empty and dirty. I want something that moves me.

I want to loose track of time in a discussion that that does not even seem real. I want to be distracted and accidentally put the fork in the spoon section because I was thinking about how we connected. I want to hear your story and be amazed how similar it is to mine, and yet it is completely different. I want the complicated mess because a fantasy has no fantasy. This society offers so much skin and shallowness and I think that is why I love the mystery and story so much. I want deeper, more moving, more connection , more things I can write about for paragraphs instead of sentences. I want to fall in love, not in lust.

Often I try not to think about it because I don't want to believe in something that may never happen. I don't want to hope against hope and end up having no hope. I want to rip my heart out and yell at it to remain quiet so I can go to sleep without a thousand thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I pick up a book or watch a movie and live vicariously in hopes that a small part of my heart can get that feeling through a character I identity with. Sadly, more often then not, this simply amplifies the yearning for it to be real.

I have to remind myself that a relationship is not the end all answer, despite what advertising and society has to say about the fact. A relationship does not define who I am, it does not make who I am. A relationship may fill me but it is not the end all of fulfillment. There are bigger things out there and I have to be myself . . . now if there were only a mute button for my heart. I don't expect to get a lot of sleep tonight because I can't stop feeling what I am feeling and today I yearn for that something deeper.

~Joel

The power of belief

I'm often asked how can I help you and after some reading and probing and thinking I've come up with one great idea. The biggest way you can help me is to BELIEVE in me. To often this culture tells each and everyone of us you are not good enough you need this soda, or this deodorant, you need a relationship, a car, a job, a education, a facebook account with 200 friends. Yes deodorant is good, yes a job is good but this slow degrading of self esteem takes its toll and despite how hard I fight I often succumb to the subliminal message you are not enough.

Think about the way you phrase things be thoughtful about how you present ideas. Often I've been asked "Do you ever think about going back to school?" This seems like a pretty innocent question but can you see how in a subliminal way this says have you ever thought of being better? Don't you want to do something with your life? These are are heart piercing lies that I fall into way to often. Saying you could write a book implies that I have the potential but you don't really believe I will. Saying I'm going to be the first to buy your book is a much more powerful statement of belief.

I had a good discussion with my roommate Lee yesterday and one thing that shocked me was his belief in me. "I see you as the next C.S. Lewis" and that seriously hit me and challenged all these lies of I am not good enough. It encouraged me a lot! So be bold and believe in me. Often I think we become what people expect of us, do you expect me to do great things? Or do you expect nothing?

~Joel

Away

Sometimes I go away.

I lay on a green grass bed. The earth is cool, a perchance of damp. I soak in the sun, arms spread wide, the warmth hits straight to my bones. It presses against me, I close my eyes trying to take it all in. Minutes, or perhaps hours pass by. I slightly crack my eyes as if to spy during church in the prayer. The sky is a blue I can't describe. A blue so blue it defies blue. I watch clouds lull by slowly and I try to stop time, it only half works.

There's a small stream behind a old barn. The water is cold and clear. I listen to the stream play it's music. Trickle, tinkle, gurgle. I dip my feet into the flow having lost track of my oppressive shoes. I dig my toes in the soft mud lifting geysers of brown silt into the flow.

Sometimes I go away

One of the reasons I like summer is because the days seem to go on and on, almost as if time were a lot slower. Well plus I like warmth. Today is cold and empty and so it's been hard to keep up even the two resolutions I started out with. I admit I have not done the best job at keeping up with them, even though they seemed pretty simple. It's so odd to me how quickly the human mind can change. I guess it is habit and only by constant reminders and the help of others can we really change something so innate within us. I find myself jumping off the track I want to be on so easily and often I don't even realize I'm off the track. I guess there is a human flaw that plays into it. I must try and be more diligent on getting inspired. Inspiration is life. Without it, well simply put who cares.

I tend to get inspired the most by stories. I don't really mean I get inspired by reading Hansel and Gretel though I guess I possibly could, more I love hearing and learning what other peoples perspective and life stories are. This is somewhat odd in the fact that I'm a introvert and for the most part enjoy being alone [possibly a little to much]. Blogs are great because they tell stories and perspectives and I may have spent a lot of time reading random blogs of people I will probably never meet or talk to just because I love stories. Stalkerish you say? Not really I have no intention of trying to meet any of these people or even communicate with them I just want to watch the movie that is their life through their narrative.

Who knows maybe some random person will stumble across the small section of the huge world wide web and find a glimmer of inspiration. My mind would like to laugh and gawk: Ha it will never happen! The problem is it already has happened. Ok so not this particular blog but with my live journal. I've had complete strangers stumble across it and be inspired. I guess if you really want proof I could search through the entries and find the thread containing the proof but I may get forever lost in nostalgia and it's already 11 pm.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head today thoughts of where I am, what do I really want, how do I get there, is this what I really want or is it a lie society tells me I want. Is wanting bad, perhaps I should focus on what I have, perhaps I need a new start. To change I must move, how can I move. Should I move. Should I move to Arizona. Don't be fooled I just want a new place, a new start, maybe to re-invent myself into something new. I could have said should I move to Tennessee but I like warmth.

This post was a little scatter brained well welcome to Joel but I leave you with some movies and books that I find inspiring. Be inspired it changes everything.

Books:

Start something that matters Blake Mycoskie
The Happiness Project Gretchen Rubin
What Really Happened Shari Caudron
The Martian Chronicles Ray Bradbury
White Oleander Janet Fitch

Movies

Moonrise Kingdom
The best exotic Marigold motel
The Shawshank redemption
Girl interrupted
and even though I have not seen it yet my intuition says Craigslist Joe

I am sure there are a lot more but these are the ones I came up with off the top of my head and did I mention it was 11? Actually 11:30 . . .I guess I have another list to add to 1. Resolutions for the year and 2. Things that inspire me. What inspires you?

~ Joel

2013 a new year

I was never the type that made new years resolutions. I mocked them in fact. I scoffed them, I can make a list of things I will never finish anytime I want I reasoned. Does writing down a list really accomplish anything? The hard part of new years resolutions is well actually doing them.

Whether writing things down actually helps you accomplish things boils down to your attitude which often is a root catalyst for many things. Instead of instantly dismissing writing resolutions as a waste of time I decided to play a little devils advocate . . . or possibly angel advocate and try to come up with positive reasons for writing down resolutions.

First and most obviously it gives you a list. I think breaking tasks down into lists can help you accomplish them because you have a written down plan. It is much harder to forget ideas and to do lists when, well, you actually have a list. Not only is harder to forget your list it is harder to ignore your list. You can take your list make copies and put them around your house. Open the fridge BAM your resolution list, go to the bathroom BAM your resolution list, log onto facebook BAM your resolution list as your profile picture . . . okay maybe not but you get the idea.

You can also then have a digital or physical list to share with your friends and hopefully they can help keep you accountable. They can encourage you, ask you about your progress, possibly nag you, and show interest in your goals and therefore make them a lot easier to obtain. All of a sudden your resolutions are not specifically for you there are for you and your crew. Perhaps your resolution is to learn to play guitar which is cool but think how fun it would be if one of your friends wanted to listed to you play. You now have a audience and you are no longer simply doing things for yourself you are also sharing it with other people.

So you ask what are your new year resolutions. I have a few off the top of my head but I'm one who does not rush into things. I like to brain-storm, write down things mainly because I have a hard time putting my thoughts into coherent words.

So far I have figured out that I want to:

1. Get outside everyday. The biggest struggle of my day is when I get home from work. It is the tipping point either I will turn on the television and become a mindless zombie or I can move and do something . . . anything just something. Getting outside will help a lot in re-energizing myself after a stress filled day, it will relax me, spark motivation, I will absorb sunlight and oxygen. Getting outside will get my blood going. Even by going for a short walk I get some exercise. Walking also seems to clear my mind, almost like a computer reboot and often I come home more focused, more creative, and more ready to tackle things.

2.Write everyday. Author Gretchen Rubin observes it is much easier to do something everyday then try to do it 3 times a week mainly because doing it everyday develops a routine. Read her blog entry about the subject here: The happiness project blog Writing helps me organize my thoughts and forces me to think about things more. It allows me to be creative, it creates memories that I can go back and re-read in nostalgia. Hence I have revived this blog which actually never got off the ground in the first place.

Yep so far I have 2 count them 2 resolutions but I think I had at least one thought right about new years it's not about the day it's the idea that matters. New years is not the only day you can make resolutions and it is not the only day for a fresh start. I will add more resolutions as they evolve but today I accomplished both goals I wrote this entry and I went for a walk in the brisk cold. By doing these goals I also managed to waste less time watching television [I actually have not even turned it on today!]

I think 2013 is going to be a interesting year for me mainly because I am adopting the attitude that 2013 is going to be a interesting year for me.

~Joel